Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Whose Fault?

A woman gets pregnant, and she's not married to the man who got her pregnant.

Whose fault is it? Was it her fault, knowing that being female, the likelihood of getting pregnant is always there if you engage in sex?

Is it ever the man's fault? He's a man, he can't get pregnant so if a woman is willing to have sex with him, it's not his fault that she gets pregnant!

This is exactly what a guy in an online forum says! Did that comment make me simmer!

In the Iban culture, which is still very traditional, to get pregnant out of wedlock brings shame and disgrace to the pregnant woman and to the family. The family usually pressures the woman and the man who got her pregnant to marry. However, if the man runs off and does not do his "duty", then the poor girl will have to give up the child for adoption. It is quite rare for an unmarried woman to raise her child herself. If she chooses not to give up her child, her parents will raise the child for her.

So whose fault is it when a woman becomes pregnant out of wedlock? Is the answer ever one or the other's fault? Are both at fault? Or does there ever have to be anyone's fault?

I would like to think both are at fault, if the word "fault" is to be used. It does take two to tango. But behind the "fault" argument there are a lot more that come into play. Most Iban parents don't talk to their children about sex and the consequences of sex outside of marriage. Schools barely teach sex education. And in a society where the womenfolk serve their men, it is easy for a gullible young woman to be persuaded into proving her "love" for a man. And then there's the influence of free sex on tv, songs, movies, and the availability of pornography on the internet that feeds the curiosity of the impressionable. And let us not forget peer pressure which has a powerful effect on the actions and directions of the impressionable.

My advice to the single women in the forum, stay away from men who say that it will their fault if they get pregnant!


  1. Totally agree with your last statement there. It’s sad that there are girls who get sweet talked into doing things which they know are not right. I have a friend who for 6 years did all her boyfriends bidding with the promise that he would marry her. But he did not.

  2. Isn’t it just a matter of religion? If you take religion out of the equation the answer is obvious. That no one is at fault and they only have their raging hormones to blame. And both are to have their fair share in bringing up the child. It’s double whammy for the child; to be born “out of wedlock” and to be abandoned.
    A 16 year-old today is much more knowledgeable about sex compared to a 16-year-old of twenty years ago, so naivety is not a good reason here. Unless you are talking about those living in some remote areas. Very remote I mean. The Iban is not considered remote here. I would say curiosity and hormones, and as you are all aware curiosity always kills the cat.

  3. Women are more responsible compare to men. They normally want to give birth to the baby. In this case (pregnant before married) I think men should be blamed because they suppose to take care of their couple and not 'destroying' them.


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